Sleep Deprivation

Photo by Keith Dobbs

“Hey, how are those finals coming along?” You immediately want to crack the person who just asked you that question right over the head with an iron.

“They’re going fine, mom,” you say through your teeth.

You feel like a loose cannon. It is quite unusual for you to act so edgy towards everyone you cross paths with. You inadvertently bump shoulders with some guy walking by and you want to scream at him until his head bursts into flames. Later in class, some girl startles you when she accidentally drops her book on the floor. You fantasize about ripping her head off, placing it on your hand like a puppet, and making her say, “I shouldn’t have been so careless!”

Yes, in case you were wondering, all of these insane thoughts in your head mean that you are indeed going insane. You’re hallucinogenic, irritable, and your friends hate you. You, my friend, are sleep deprived!

Just in time for exam week, your sleep deprivation will expand to new heights. During this state, you have the inability to make rational decisions and you may destroy lives in the process. But don’t worry, there is hope. First, you must become one with the sleep deprivation and welcome all the baggage that goes along with it. To do that,you must understand the effects of sleep deprivation:

Decreased mental activity—Ha! You call this a result of sleep deprivation? I call this growing older.

Dark circles under eyes—This isn’t so bad. The old “raccoon eyes” is a sexy look nowadays. (I can’t back that up.) Live with it. Embrace it.

Hyperactivity—You may get short rounds of energy that seemingly come out of nowhere. Once again, embrace this effect because the other 90% of the time, face it, you’re a complete bore.
General confusion—See Decreased mental activity.

Memory loss—Look on the bright side. All those awkward moments from your teens will no longer haunt you.

Weight loss or gain—This one is tricky. This really depends on what you’re shooting for. If it ends up working out, all the power to you.

Lucid dreaming—When you finally do go to sleep, you will be condemned with the agonizing ability to control your dreams! Wait a second. You will be able to control your dreams, in such aspects as who is in them, and how your dreams transpire? Sign me up!

You will finally be able to enter a reality where everything is going right for you. You can take a magic carpet ride to Egypt, or perhaps talk to that cute girl you stare at every day during class, you weird creep.

Pallor, or increased paleness of skin—This is what Hollywood Tans is for. Gawd!

Legal “high”—Some people deprive themselves of sleep on purpose to get a “high” feeling without drugs. Wow. That is exciting… seriously. Something tells me this widespread practice occurs in such thrilling states as Utah or Wyoming.

Severe yawning—Has anyone ever yawned at you before when you are telling him or her a story? You know… attention-grabbing stories, like the time you bought shoes at H&M in red but you decided to return them for the white ones, tee hee! Well, yawns, aka, ‘shut the fuck ups’ could become severe when you are sleep deprived. Frankly, I have no problem with this. There is nothing wrong with telling someone to severely shut the fuck up if they take their self-absorption a few steps too far.

You know what? Sleep is overrated. The side-effects of not sleeping aren’t that bad; aside from the risks it imposes on your body’s ability to metabolize glucose. On second thought, get plenty of sleep or you will get diabetes.

Now that we now know the effects, what about the causes? How can we prevent sleep deprivation, especially during finals? Well, the main culprit is procrastination, of course. Procrastination is caused by peers pressuring you to do fun and exciting (sometimes illegal) stuff instead of studying. Also, it is caused by distractions, such as T.V. or stalking the guy on Facebook that your girlfriend is cheating on you with.

The only clear answer here is to take all of your belongings, including your posters, mementos, and even your wardrobe, and burn them all in a glorious ritualistic bonfire. Make sure you have only a table (a chair is optional) and a bed left in your newly cleansed and distraction-free room.

Step one: Study.

Step two: Go to bed.

Step three: Repeat until someone hands you a diploma.

You may be asking, “Hey, what if I have trouble sleeping and I can’t get myself back on schedule?” Here is a tip:

An old fashion blow to the face, courtesy of your friend’s fist, always helps. Do this about eight times daily soon after dark. This will reset your internal clock and put you back in a routine along with the rest of our ever-decaying society.

If you do not have any friends, then its time to get creative. Some of you adventurers could use gravity and heavy objects to knock yourself out, but there are non-violent and painless methods that could be used also. Perhaps you could have some ether handy on your bedside every night. Take a deep breath and just relax:

Sweet dreams.

The Straight Poop on Poop

Photo courtesy of The Daily Poop

By Jennifer Filannino
Published: December 10, 2008

Have you ever had the impulse to stick your head between your thighs after a pleasing poop and take a peek at it? Maybe there was a deep-seated infantile desire within you to see what grand load you birthed out of the rumbling depths of your innards.

Come my fellow Steamers, don’t be shy in quietly admitting to the newspaper in your subtle snickering that you have done it—We all do. It is an instinct that comes from the innocent days of potty training when we wanted to show mom just how grown-up we were by the girth of our poops.

I will admit it. I am a bona-fide poop-aholic. I am obsessed with my bowels and the lower region of my organs. I chart the times in the day I poop marking the shape and color. I give the big ones deserving names like Bertha and Buddha and the little ones names like Napoleon and T.T. (aka Tiny Turd). The insufficient ones are punished by getting no names at all.

If I am backed up I act like a frantic pregnant mother ready to birth the child of my recesses. I walk around cradling the little pooh-babies growing within me.

Poop can make the most pencil-straight, whatever-dude kind-of person into a sweaty crying baby, melting on the floor. Or poop can become an obsession if your stomach begins to grow into a massive man-eating larva when there has been no movement for days and days and days…

Ever heard that cliché saying, “you are what you eat?” Then we are the little poohs. Ever have a doctor ask you specifically about your bowel habits? They ask you to talk about the shapes and sizes of your poops as if it were brown play dough on the examination table.

For all the Steamers out there who do peek into the porcelain hole every once-in-awhile; the various shapes, sizes and stenches do mean something.

Think of all the creative words that we have for poop and what each stinker brings to mind. A “turd” is a dried-up old raisin that has been stuck in the depths of your constipated bowels for years.

“Dingleberry” is a dangling relic of some lost soul inside you that just won’t let go. A “turtlehead” is a poking, persistent problem that just won’t let you have what you want.

There are also numerous foul poop names that we throw around like poison darts at each other: “shithead,” “turdburgler,” “doo-doo face,” “fudge-packer.” We use poop as a cruelty.

“At the end of the day you can analyze your body really effectively by looking at what comes out of your body,” said Dr. Mehmet Oz, a cardiac surgeon and medical television personality.

A healthy poop will resemblance a foot and half long cardboard colored banana. No stench and no need for wiping. One of those logs creates a sense of peace and a nice heavy sigh. It is orgasmic to release one of those. You may see a halo of light around you if you squint a little.

Now for the explanations of the other shapes and colors of the poops. The colors for concern are yellow, pale-white and red. These are strong signs that something is seriously wrong with you and you need to head for the doctor. Dark-brown is from a lack of vegetables, an excess of salt and may be some kind of foreign desert. Green is the Jolly-green Giant’s baby coming to visit you in pooh forms.

Little pellet-turd balls that look like deer poops or enlarged M&M’s are a sign of constipation. The National Digestive Disease Information Clearinghouse states that having a movement less then three times each week indicates constipation.

Our stomachs speak to us. They have distinct and subtle gurgles like the sound of a babbling baby. Did you ever wonder if the stomach could speak to us what it would say? Maybe our guts are churning through some expert plan, and when we poop, it is a secret message expelled back to us in a brown camouflaged log. So when we excrete all the private parts of us come out like some giant explosive release. Maybe we should salute it, inspect it and give it the love it deserves.

The Higher Education Academy Subject for Philosophical and Religious Studies writes of an ancient sacrificial form of divination. Mesopotamians would slaughter a sacred animal and inspect the digestive system as to divine the future. Called “extispicy” this practice was repeated by the Ancient Greeks and Romans and is even stilled used by tribesmen in Africa today.

Ancient Chinese medicine is based on the state of the digestive organs.

In the psych-world, the bowels are a sign of emotional states.

Our guts are really trying to tell us something. To follow your guts, is to literally follow the melodious tune of your innards. Listen to the gurgling!

What is your bowl plop trying to tell you?