Bipolar Time

“The Holiday season means helping someone who cannot help himself. It is in giving that we receive, and when we receive kindness, we are made whole. So give from your heart, smile often and never turn down the opportunity to love your neighbor. Happy Holidays.” –Dusty, Kean University Actor, and Life Coach.

TJ: Hello Kean World, and Happy Holidays! Have you noticed the jubilant installments that have been given to our campus, this year at Kean? I’m talking about the statues; that are like Legos™ after you dump the box on the floor: SPREAD OUT. We also have a lot more benches and, new dorms on the rise! According to Dusty these statues, benches, and other things are the kindness that makes us whole. As well as un-harnessed artistic beauty strewn across the land.

Ralph: If you have sex with the giant stone-vagina outside the CAS, you become Zeus, remember that.

TJ: Nothing screams Holiday Season/Auld Lang Syne/ New Year/ WOW like an erection. I’m talking about the erection of NEW DORMS. That’s right, MORE people have chosen to come to KEAN! They will be arriving in 2009 and now they will have a place to hang their tits and nuts. We as students are being given the opportunity to make new friends, and possibly increase our sexual relationships.

Ralph: If ‘NO’ means NO except when ‘NO’ means YES, then the ‘safety word’ means NO. My safety word is ‘Frugal’. Remember that.

TJ: Finally, what gift is better than the ability to ward off flying-feathered-freaks of nature? None. The geese machines were given to us, specifically for the springtime. And though they may disappear for the winter months we mustn’t forget about their amazing capabilities. Geese are predators, they eats souls, and children’s wishes. Look what happened to the Republicans. . . Geese fucked them up. But we digress, these geese machines are the kidneys of Kean University. They literally keep us alive. So make a wish tonight, children, knowing that the Geese are satiating their appetites, throughout the southern states of America. Positive.

Ralph: When the geese return in the spring, our robot army will be ready to fend them off. Remember that.

TJ: In conclusion, Ralph and I would like to merge all the holidays into one, a holiday that can be celebrated without awkward tension. POSITIVIUM. Happy Positivium everybody!

Ralph: All the Coug’s down in Keanville, the tall and the small, live for Positivium, a Holiday for all. Remember That.


“I hate cleaning reindeer shit off my roof.” Kevin, Kean University Actor, and Realist.

Loin Star: What it do Kean?! Loinstar and Cocoatano are back to bust another negative load into your sweet eye-pussies. I know. We threw up too after reading that pile of shit to our left. The additions to the campus aren’t gifts. Dusty’s quote, by definition, refers to them as kindness. That’s true, if kindness is a flame that burns the shit out of all your money. Hey Dusty, take your Holiday quote and sell it to UNICEF. And Ralph, the ONLY thing you’ll be fucking this holiday season is that stone vagina. Saddle up, Zeus.

Cocoatano: Santa isn’t real. Know This.

Loin Star: Nothing screams Suck up/Brown-nosing/Fuck-handles like Ralph and TJ. I’m so happy these cum-swallowing elves decided to bring up the dorm situation. We would like to address a quote from Positivity time, “New Dorms. That’s right, more people have chosen to come to Kean” Woa. Woa. Woa. Hold your horses, you Flagrant Fucks. Kean is a safety school. Kean is where you go when the only thing you put on your SATs is your fucking name. Kean is not a choice, it’s a lifestyle. Hey Ralph and TJ, why don’t you climb to the top of those new dorm buildings, embrace and plummet to the site below? AND if you can’t get laid by now, you might as well travel back in time, and go fuck yourself.

Cocoatano: Sluts make up 90% of the earth’s eco-system. Know this.

Loin Star: The goose machines are a serious problem. They sound like an argument between Sarah Palin and Hellen Keller. The last thing I wanna hear when I walk on this campus is blind, deaf, and dumb Republicans. Plus, the geese flock to this thing! For all we know the thing is screaming, “Hey guys! Come eat and shit over here! Step right up and fuck the goose of your dreams!” Cocoatano should perch in a tree with a shotgun and pick off the soul-swallowers as they land. Duck-Hunt, the real game.

Cocoatano: If you kill a goose, and gut it, you can wear it as a hat. Know this.

Loin Star: Thanks for that last-minute gift Idea! T.J. your asshole is a last minute gift idea, for Ralph. T.J. is a bitch-made, tight-jean wearin, ain’t been laid since July, Ballerina. These Positive lies need to stop now; something needs to be done about Lance Bass and Little Richard to our left. We’re gonna start the New Year off right, know THAT. I hope none of you readers get the gifts you want. I hope that you all cry on Christmas morning, or any one of the 8 nights of Hanukkah; and if you celebrate Kwanzaa we know you’re already crying. Happy Ramadan, Eat Up! We leave you with this famous holiday quote from It’s a Wonderful Life, as told by Cocoatano:

Cocoatano: Every time a bell rings. . . You have AIDS. Know this.”