Photo courtesy of The Daily Poop
By Jennifer Filannino
Published: December 10, 2008
Have you ever had the impulse to stick your head between your thighs after a pleasing poop and take a peek at it? Maybe there was a deep-seated infantile desire within you to see what grand load you birthed out of the rumbling depths of your innards.
Come my fellow Steamers, don’t be shy in quietly admitting to the newspaper in your subtle snickering that you have done it—We all do. It is an instinct that comes from the innocent days of potty training when we wanted to show mom just how grown-up we were by the girth of our poops.
I will admit it. I am a bona-fide poop-aholic. I am obsessed with my bowels and the lower region of my organs. I chart the times in the day I poop marking the shape and color. I give the big ones deserving names like Bertha and Buddha and the little ones names like Napoleon and T.T. (aka Tiny Turd). The insufficient ones are punished by getting no names at all.
If I am backed up I act like a frantic pregnant mother ready to birth the child of my recesses. I walk around cradling the little pooh-babies growing within me.
Poop can make the most pencil-straight, whatever-dude kind-of person into a sweaty crying baby, melting on the floor. Or poop can become an obsession if your stomach begins to grow into a massive man-eating larva when there has been no movement for days and days and days…
Ever heard that cliché saying, “you are what you eat?” Then we are the little poohs. Ever have a doctor ask you specifically about your bowel habits? They ask you to talk about the shapes and sizes of your poops as if it were brown play dough on the examination table.
For all the Steamers out there who do peek into the porcelain hole every once-in-awhile; the various shapes, sizes and stenches do mean something.
Think of all the creative words that we have for poop and what each stinker brings to mind. A “turd” is a dried-up old raisin that has been stuck in the depths of your constipated bowels for years.
“Dingleberry” is a dangling relic of some lost soul inside you that just won’t let go. A “turtlehead” is a poking, persistent problem that just won’t let you have what you want.
There are also numerous foul poop names that we throw around like poison darts at each other: “shithead,” “turdburgler,” “doo-doo face,” “fudge-packer.” We use poop as a cruelty.
“At the end of the day you can analyze your body really effectively by looking at what comes out of your body,” said Dr. Mehmet Oz, a cardiac surgeon and medical television personality.
A healthy poop will resemblance a foot and half long cardboard colored banana. No stench and no need for wiping. One of those logs creates a sense of peace and a nice heavy sigh. It is orgasmic to release one of those. You may see a halo of light around you if you squint a little.
Now for the explanations of the other shapes and colors of the poops. The colors for concern are yellow, pale-white and red. These are strong signs that something is seriously wrong with you and you need to head for the doctor. Dark-brown is from a lack of vegetables, an excess of salt and may be some kind of foreign desert. Green is the Jolly-green Giant’s baby coming to visit you in pooh forms.
Little pellet-turd balls that look like deer poops or enlarged M&M’s are a sign of constipation. The National Digestive Disease Information Clearinghouse states that having a movement less then three times each week indicates constipation.
Our stomachs speak to us. They have distinct and subtle gurgles like the sound of a babbling baby. Did you ever wonder if the stomach could speak to us what it would say? Maybe our guts are churning through some expert plan, and when we poop, it is a secret message expelled back to us in a brown camouflaged log. So when we excrete all the private parts of us come out like some giant explosive release. Maybe we should salute it, inspect it and give it the love it deserves.
The Higher Education Academy Subject for Philosophical and Religious Studies writes of an ancient sacrificial form of divination. Mesopotamians would slaughter a sacred animal and inspect the digestive system as to divine the future. Called “extispicy” this practice was repeated by the Ancient Greeks and Romans and is even stilled used by tribesmen in Africa today.
Ancient Chinese medicine is based on the state of the digestive organs.
In the psych-world, the bowels are a sign of emotional states.
Our guts are really trying to tell us something. To follow your guts, is to literally follow the melodious tune of your innards. Listen to the gurgling!
What is your bowl plop trying to tell you?
Published: December 10, 2008
Have you ever had the impulse to stick your head between your thighs after a pleasing poop and take a peek at it? Maybe there was a deep-seated infantile desire within you to see what grand load you birthed out of the rumbling depths of your innards.
Come my fellow Steamers, don’t be shy in quietly admitting to the newspaper in your subtle snickering that you have done it—We all do. It is an instinct that comes from the innocent days of potty training when we wanted to show mom just how grown-up we were by the girth of our poops.
I will admit it. I am a bona-fide poop-aholic. I am obsessed with my bowels and the lower region of my organs. I chart the times in the day I poop marking the shape and color. I give the big ones deserving names like Bertha and Buddha and the little ones names like Napoleon and T.T. (aka Tiny Turd). The insufficient ones are punished by getting no names at all.
If I am backed up I act like a frantic pregnant mother ready to birth the child of my recesses. I walk around cradling the little pooh-babies growing within me.
Poop can make the most pencil-straight, whatever-dude kind-of person into a sweaty crying baby, melting on the floor. Or poop can become an obsession if your stomach begins to grow into a massive man-eating larva when there has been no movement for days and days and days…
Ever heard that cliché saying, “you are what you eat?” Then we are the little poohs. Ever have a doctor ask you specifically about your bowel habits? They ask you to talk about the shapes and sizes of your poops as if it were brown play dough on the examination table.
For all the Steamers out there who do peek into the porcelain hole every once-in-awhile; the various shapes, sizes and stenches do mean something.
Think of all the creative words that we have for poop and what each stinker brings to mind. A “turd” is a dried-up old raisin that has been stuck in the depths of your constipated bowels for years.
“Dingleberry” is a dangling relic of some lost soul inside you that just won’t let go. A “turtlehead” is a poking, persistent problem that just won’t let you have what you want.
There are also numerous foul poop names that we throw around like poison darts at each other: “shithead,” “turdburgler,” “doo-doo face,” “fudge-packer.” We use poop as a cruelty.
“At the end of the day you can analyze your body really effectively by looking at what comes out of your body,” said Dr. Mehmet Oz, a cardiac surgeon and medical television personality.
A healthy poop will resemblance a foot and half long cardboard colored banana. No stench and no need for wiping. One of those logs creates a sense of peace and a nice heavy sigh. It is orgasmic to release one of those. You may see a halo of light around you if you squint a little.
Now for the explanations of the other shapes and colors of the poops. The colors for concern are yellow, pale-white and red. These are strong signs that something is seriously wrong with you and you need to head for the doctor. Dark-brown is from a lack of vegetables, an excess of salt and may be some kind of foreign desert. Green is the Jolly-green Giant’s baby coming to visit you in pooh forms.
Little pellet-turd balls that look like deer poops or enlarged M&M’s are a sign of constipation. The National Digestive Disease Information Clearinghouse states that having a movement less then three times each week indicates constipation.
Our stomachs speak to us. They have distinct and subtle gurgles like the sound of a babbling baby. Did you ever wonder if the stomach could speak to us what it would say? Maybe our guts are churning through some expert plan, and when we poop, it is a secret message expelled back to us in a brown camouflaged log. So when we excrete all the private parts of us come out like some giant explosive release. Maybe we should salute it, inspect it and give it the love it deserves.
The Higher Education Academy Subject for Philosophical and Religious Studies writes of an ancient sacrificial form of divination. Mesopotamians would slaughter a sacred animal and inspect the digestive system as to divine the future. Called “extispicy” this practice was repeated by the Ancient Greeks and Romans and is even stilled used by tribesmen in Africa today.
Ancient Chinese medicine is based on the state of the digestive organs.
In the psych-world, the bowels are a sign of emotional states.
Our guts are really trying to tell us something. To follow your guts, is to literally follow the melodious tune of your innards. Listen to the gurgling!
What is your bowl plop trying to tell you?
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