On The Keg with Professor Touchdown

Photos by Keith Dobbs

Professor Touchdown is Kean University’s number one good time, resident party animal, and local newspaper columnist. Hailing in with a Doctorate in Cool-ology and Masters in Keg Sciences, Professor Touchdown is clearly...drunk. Every month, The Steaming Pipe will bring you his words of wisdom as he tries to answer your questions....somehow.

Q: Dear Professor Touchdown:
I am graduating this semester. Do you have any tips for resumes?

- Craig, 22, Pirate Astrophysicist, OBGYN.

A: What… Resume?! It’s spelled resoomay, jack ass. Get spiel sheck. Dude, if you want a resoomay done right, you gotta do it one way and one way only…naked…in front of the mirror, tuck your balls under your legs. But make sure to pack that frank with your bunz and then you’ll be ready to begin…what are we talking about again?

--Prof. T-Down

Q: I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for two years, what do you think I should get her for Christmas?

-Leroy Doug, 18, Small IQ

A: Pregnant…TOUCHDOWN!

--Professor H.R. Touchdown

Q: This is a woman…I just did my fiwst bweast exawme. I found some wumps. What?

--Valewie, 13, going on 30

A: Those “wumps” are boobs, call me in two years for your second exawme…with my penis…DING!

--Professor Two-Hand Touchdown

Q: Hey TOUCHDOWN! My boyfriend just got me pregnant because you said so! The problem is that he left me…but I’ve always felt that well…you’re the real father. Please, will you be the father?

--Starr “ex-girlfriend of Leroy Doug” Jenkins

A: If I had to marry all of the babetaculars that I filled up with little Touchdowns, I’d be beating them with my goal marker. That is why I created the fetus football helmet, now comes with your favorite football team logo. COUGALOUG!

--Prof. Touchdown

Q: I’m thinking about going to Kean but my mom says it’s a shitty school, what should I do?

--Mary Dingleberry

A: Kean iz awesome! COUGARLICIOUS! M! Dude, I got in with a 650 SAT score, eight functioning fingers (six of them can be dead) and an ability to wear mesh t-shirts. Screw your mom, and by screw your mom I mean can I throw an F in that A?

--Prof. H.R. Touchdown